Joyce's Killing Jar

Poems from my 16th year...

2010-10-08T08:46:00.000-07:00

I've been tumbling about in old paperwork, when i found some poetry books. Plath? Sexton? Blake? Even maybe Poe you ask? No just me... so i thought i'd share.

---
So easy to make mistakes.
I drink to forget you and you blame me for trying to run away.
I'd rather be laying in the cemetery or on the living room floor, however far i can make it.
Happy the boy with a smile.
Sad the girl who sits alone in the kitchen sink.

1990

-------

Happy Endings

Was it ever love?
even close
leaving the nights on the ground
close my eyes
feel your touch
your slap would even be a welcomed warmth
i turned into a mug in your cupboard
and we all settle down to the comforts of a happy ending
which i have yet to see

1990

-----

Moving up the hill,
past the spring trees.
As the cafe grows quite,
this is where is all began,
maybe where it will all end.
Sometime.
In the gloom of loo a likes
and coffee cups,
the children come in waves...
Black cotton fabric and silver earrings.
Little grey bells dangle from the tips
of their curled shoes.
Humming Cure songs under florescent lights.
They whisper quietly,
almost silent,
hoping not to smear their red lips.
They gripe and laugh, about the conformity
surrounding them.

1990

"What's the Use of Won'drin'?"

2010-07-08T18:19:00.000-07:00

Venting at it's finest

2010-07-07T04:33:00.000-07:00

Well after 8 years I can still get triggered. Here I am with him as the topic. I gots me some angeries today. Fortunately this shows me what i still need to reflect--- NO wait, stop, I’m just pissed and I’m going to have my say without any regard or interspection shit.

This is all how i feel. i stopped apologizing a while ago.

I Thought
Its 3 am, i'm here awake, by myself, with no one judging me for it. No one telling me being up so late isn't alright.

I thought about you today.

I thought about your mother visiting you. Her concern about her relationship with you, there must be some love she has for you.

I thought about how much that pisses me off.

I thought about your own daughters. How little concern you have ever shown them. How the damages, the harm you did, will stay with them forever. You should have been held accountable for the abuse and neglect you put them though. You never where. So no, I’m thinking you don’t deserve much love at all.

I thought about how their are people, who believe abused women “blow things out of proportion“. It pisses me off that i'm still struggling against this, mostly with myself.

I thought about, how you, and maybe a few others, think it was partially my fault. As you so charmingly put it, i "made you that way". If I was only better then you “wouldn’t have done those things.” I allowed myself to believe you for a long time.

I thought about how much that pisses me off.

I thought about how I never deserved being pulled out of bed at midnight, defend myself against nonsensical accusations, abuse, being forced to stay up till i had to get ready for work.

I thought about how, nothing i did, ever made me deserved being hit.

I thought about the idea of your life being nothing more then a self made waist land. Of you never knowing any real peace

I thought, that idea doesn’t piss me off… at all.

I thought about the fact that I know you are a rotten, lying, manipulative, abusive, deceitful and violent person. You are very talented at using your better traits against others, for your own gain. You’re persuasive, intelligent and charismatic, you’re also an exceptional liar.

I thought about how much that still worries me.

I thought about how some part of me, will always love you. I don’t know if that’s healthy or not.

Do You

I don't know much of anything about you anymore.

Do you sleep well at night?

Do you still drink all the time?

Do you still want to be a racecar driver or rock star. Now that I’m not there “holding you back” I’m sure you’ll be very successful. Just think with all the millions you'll make.

Do you have a girlfriend? I heard you did.

Do you love her like you loved me?

Do you love her so sincerely you can grasp her by her hair, then, knock her head into a wall till she'd out cold? Oh yeah baby that's a special kind of love. The kind we use to have.

Do you realize how amazingly strong and powerful the girls are. I’m not to shabby myself. Funny, we always had it, leaving you help us to see it clearly.

Do you know my daughters are made of 100% awesome? At this point they want nothing to do with you. They aren’t afraid of you anymore.

Do you ever get really pissed off about things like that? Maybe just self pity?

Do you know just how much anger and hurt and sickness I feel towards you, for you? Quite frankly though, you don't deserve very much if anything, i‘m working on getting rid of it all.

Deep breath… this was all for me. You... well you can just fuck off… I don’t care.
　

not something i feel up to

2010-07-04T16:33:00.000-07:00

Today, I got my hand lost in the Change Machine.
This sort of carelessness is typical of Clowns and Yeti.
Not of me though.
Once, I hear Madonna had done the same.
I never found out though, what category she put herself in.

2010-01-08T16:37:00.000-08:00

A few years ago i found this delightful treasure at a thrift store in Renton WA. Its a metal trash can.

Then this week i find this gem at a Goodwill in Kent. Owls fucking kick ass and they can turn their heads all the way around and you may say... why joyce, is this, this way? Well its b/c their eyes are kinda fixed forward in the socket so they have to move the hear not the eyeball.... really i reads it on the internets so it must be true.
Also owl art is very chic seeing as how the French were drawing them in cave like 15,000 + years ago.... well its just neat so lets all just take a moment to appreciate owls!

bad poems are an exercise in self rightousness

2009-09-23T18:02:00.000-07:00

Under a desk,
you crouched,
assembling your partial life
Parting ways

You explained to me
With a certain candor
about fences,
striped sheets
and your Boarder’s girt card.

To what ends
was always unclear

Cautioning me I guess
Wasn’t an option
eventually you’d let me down
And
I know you knew it
you always did

that head of yours is on tight enough
To see the end of this
even if you still can’t pull your life together

Maybe my feeling just
Slipped your mind

Here we where
If given time
With effort
I could certainly do better then this,
but I probably won’t.

More fun with food

2009-09-15T21:18:00.000-07:00

Butter and Ketchup and Pasta - It's what I had for Dinner!!

KNOW THEM .... LOVE THEM!!

So very very DELICIOUS

Films I found worth watching

2009-09-11T19:21:00.000-07:00

My Name Is Julia Ross (1945)
IMDB Page
Thriller / Drama

The tagline sums it up fairly well.
“She went to sleep as a secretary ... and woke up a madman's "bride"!”

This was produced as a B-unit at Columbia. It was made to be a fill in, b-movie, low budget and quickly done. However it has risen above and is a wonderful early “Try to drive the woman crazy” film. That might not be a “real” category but it should be.
So this chick, Julia Ross, finds a job with this wealthy widow, Mrs. Hughes. As these stories are want to go, our hero has no real relations or friends (but one) and is new to the town. After a few days, she finds herself in a different house, wearing someone else’s cloths and the people around her are adamant that she is someone other then who she knows she is. The household’s residents, of course, mean for her to meet with a not so pleasant end. The son of the widow is pretty creepy and likes to play with knives, so that’s always a plus. Very 1940s, enjoyably dramatic, clever and well acted.

Gaslight (1944)
IMDB Page
Thriller/Drama

Ingrid Bergman
Angela Lansbury

Definition page
Main Entry: gaslight
Part of Speech: v
Definition: to manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity; to subtly drive someone crazy

Gaslight is about this girl Paula, who’s aunt and guardian, Alice is straggled. Paula goes away to Italy for ten years and returns to London married to Gregory Anton. Her new husband convinces her to move back to her aunts house in London. She is not keen but like any good woman dose what her man tells her too. He’s a bit shady and after they move in he slowly starts messing with her head. This is another “Try to drive the woman crazy” movie from the 1940s. Well acted, in fact this is, Angela Lansbury ‘s first film. And she’s a sarcastic sullen house maid named Nancy Oliver. Delightful. I love the ending of this film. Ingrid Bergman is a categorical goddess.

Please, anyone who wants to comment on these film or recommend others feel free... or cheap... or whatever. Just comment, add to the pot, don't let me rule the world alone.

Will the Real Tony's PIzza please stand up??

2009-08-17T08:45:00.000-07:00

This last Saturday I was left home alone for a few hours. No kids no hubby. So what does a Joyce do when alone....? Well somethingc can't be mentioned due to my various dealing with the Illuminati but the stuff i can tell you about....Pizza -- Growing up in the early 1980s around my older brother and his gaming pals i learned how to spice up a frozen pizza.

1. Add Ketchup

2. Add other stuff (in this case turkey pepperoni)

3. Add MORE ketchup because you really can't have too much!

4. Bake

5. Wonder if this was such a good idea.

6. Eat (share with dog if applicable)

I also enjoyed some Eminem videos among other things. It was delightful, even though I missed not hanging out with my family and some of our friends… I did however go to a “Pimp and Ho” party later that evening but that’s a story for another time…

Crusty ties, cell phones and my own ambitions

2009-08-11T19:40:00.000-07:00

A few months ago my husband and I were driving to our local bookstore when we spotted a troublesome sight. A grayish mid 90s Toyota with driver issues, in our lane. Well more like everyone’s lane. I wondered, could it be a momentary disagreement with the steering wheel? Hot cocoa on the groin? Maybe a chinchilla had scampered up the leg of his trousers? What could be the cause of such earnest zigzag? Because it did appear that his zigzags where the type one might but effort into, not those more one time casual try not to hit the kid on the sidewalk affairs.

Upon closer inspection, we discovered the cause of his disorderly driving. He was on his cellular phone. However he did seem troll-ish, I would question his driving even without the phone. It wasn’t his prematurely balding head, or crusty tie, but the lack of concern he showed for the rest of us, who where trying to share the road with him, that really pissed me off. He knew, but the ugly little man he was he wear his dismissal along with big gulp stains on his sleeve. My husband, with his usual cautionary attitude would not drive up along side of him so that I, with the help of my middle finger and impressive vocabulary could express my displeasure at his poor driving skills.

Usually, I couldn’t give a fuck. We all need to monitor ourselves and I’ve seen people drive and multi task with success. Same as I have seen others fail even when giving their surroundings full attention.

I wasn’t done yet, so we followed this vehicularly challenged individual. He stopped at an Asian take out palace. We parked around the corner. On the torn inside of an RX bag I wrote a note expressing my concern and disapproval. He had endanger not only us but all others in the vicinity and really was it worth it? I also made a mild critic about his character. Of course I don’t believe I used any words with more then 5 letters. It was… colorful….

Then, with ninja like skill my husband took the note and placed it causally on the drivers seat of said individual’s car. His window was rolled down or more like, judging by the condition of the car, maybe didn’t have an “Up” option. This perhaps is also an estimation of the type of monotonous life the driver lives. His was grubby and unpleasant - not in a love of life dirty hippy or angry with bitter punk rock over tones … just icky. Like a troll. Without purpose.

The moral of the story …? I feel like playing around with adjectives today and don’t drive like a retarded goblin bastard with goat breath and a crusty tie, because next time you might get more then a note from me.

Ponderous...

2009-08-07T20:51:00.000-07:00

To Twitter or not to Twitter... that is the question.

Do you know what you can do with your daily prompt?

2009-08-06T15:29:00.000-07:00

Shove it in a fox hole and set it on fire?

Lately I have been struggling with my writing, maybe more just waiting till I decide I want to be a traffic flagger or jazz musician instead, then I won't have to write at all. Well, except to fill out job resumes at flagging and jazz companies... if that’s how its done.

So I resorted to trying daily writing prompts and ideas from the internet. You know, like they gave you in school or the ones in "Daily Journals" (they usually have pastel covers with words like Hope or Inspiration on them), B&N sells them for 20$. This was an attempt to stretch my brain, try to think a bit more in normal terms. I can be pretty isolated at times, its an attempt to think "outside my house".

Well... the stuff though that comes up on these list are tedious sappy and overly ripened i have a hard time mustering up enough motivation or interest

Here are some examples:
My favorite color is because....
My family would describe me as…
Describe what you think the world will be like in the year 2050

Do you see what i have to work with here? Maybe i just find disappointment because i have a "negative attitude" I don't even know what i expect or wanted out of this.

If anything, Tasha at least enjoys them. That’s a win right there. She prefers though, to draw instead of write the subject. Maybe i should try it her way.

Any topic/prompt or whatever ideas people have to help me with trying to do some daily writing (not even blogging just written) would be appreciated.

Untitled

2009-07-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

Well i guess we'll see how long this lasts.

It was one of those moments when you just pause... you see something, could be an email, or website, or someone’s stupid mobile update, or even a comment someone makes on someone else’s facebook status.

But this time you really look even if its unrelated you just look. Then quite unexpectedly you undergo a bit of ill regret, embarrassment, or just something uncomfortable you can't quite name. A trigger goes off in your belly, some memory you’re certain you’d shoved deep down and denied. Some mistake you've made in the past. Some time, act, person, whatever it was, its an admittance, a facing off with that desire or impulse. At one time it was important you really fucking wanted, need, whatever it. Something back there you did, you felt, you followed, stalked and shook and considered (not with reason of course) and now... now... You are suddenly reminded of the whole bloody thing. A realization slips over you. What an epic fail that was. How could you have ever even in anyway and to still…. Just a little… oh you just sigh and rant and want to vomit. Anyway had one of those the other day.

Oh also I was Bruno and it was fucking vulgar and crass and ill and WONDERFULLY FUNNY!! I hate funny but for this... this was good. http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809922951/info