Poems from my 16th year...

I've been tumbling about in old paperwork, when i found some poetry books. Plath? Sexton? Blake? Even maybe Poe you ask? No just me... so i thought i'd share.

---
So easy to make mistakes.
I drink to forget you and you blame me for trying to run away.
I'd rather be laying in the cemetery or on the living room floor, however far i can make it.
Happy the boy with a smile.
Sad the girl who sits alone in the kitchen sink.

1990

-------

Happy Endings

Was it ever love?
even close
leaving the nights on the ground
close my eyes
feel your touch
your slap would even be a welcomed warmth
i turned into a mug in your cupboard
and we all settle down to the comforts of a happy ending
which i have yet to see

1990

-----

Moving up the hill,
past the spring trees.
As the cafe grows quite,
this is where is all began,
maybe where it will all end.
Sometime.
In the gloom of loo a likes
and coffee cups,
the children come in waves...
Black cotton fabric and silver earrings.
Little grey bells dangle from the tips
of their curled shoes.
Humming Cure songs under florescent lights.
They whisper quietly,
almost silent,
hoping not to smear their red lips.
They gripe and laugh, about the conformity
surrounding them.

1990

"What's the Use of Won'drin'?"

Venting at it's finest

Well after 8 years I can still get triggered. Here I am with him as the topic. I gots me some angeries today. Fortunately this shows me what i still need to reflect--- NO wait, stop, I’m just pissed and I’m going to have my say without any regard or interspection shit.

This is all how i feel. i stopped apologizing a while ago.

I Thought
Its 3 am, i'm here awake, by myself, with no one judging me for it. No one telling me being up so late isn't alright.

I thought about you today.

I thought about your mother visiting you. Her concern about her relationship with you, there must be some love she has for you.

I thought about how much that pisses me off.

I thought about your own daughters. How little concern you have ever shown them. How the damages, the harm you did, will stay with them forever. You should have been held accountable for the abuse and neglect you put them though. You never where. So no, I’m thinking you don’t deserve much love at all.

I thought about how their are people, who believe abused women “blow things out of proportion“. It pisses me off that i'm still struggling against this, mostly with myself.

I thought about, how you, and maybe a few others, think it was partially my fault. As you so charmingly put it, i "made you that way". If I was only better then you “wouldn’t have done those things.” I allowed myself to believe you for a long time.

I thought about how much that pisses me off.

I thought about how I never deserved being pulled out of bed at midnight, defend myself against nonsensical accusations, abuse, being forced to stay up till i had to get ready for work.

I thought about how, nothing i did, ever made me deserved being hit.

I thought about the idea of your life being nothing more then a self made waist land. Of you never knowing any real peace

I thought, that idea doesn’t piss me off… at all.

I thought about the fact that I know you are a rotten, lying, manipulative, abusive, deceitful and violent person. You are very talented at using your better traits against others, for your own gain. You’re persuasive, intelligent and charismatic, you’re also an exceptional liar.

I thought about how much that still worries me.

I thought about how some part of me, will always love you. I don’t know if that’s healthy or not.

Do You

I don't know much of anything about you anymore.

Do you sleep well at night?

Do you still drink all the time?

Do you still want to be a racecar driver or rock star. Now that I’m not there “holding you back” I’m sure you’ll be very successful. Just think with all the millions you'll make.

Do you have a girlfriend? I heard you did.

Do you love her like you loved me?

Do you love her so sincerely you can grasp her by her hair, then, knock her head into a wall till she'd out cold? Oh yeah baby that's a special kind of love. The kind we use to have.

Do you realize how amazingly strong and powerful the girls are. I’m not to shabby myself. Funny, we always had it, leaving you help us to see it clearly.

Do you know my daughters are made of 100% awesome? At this point they want nothing to do with you. They aren’t afraid of you anymore.

Do you ever get really pissed off about things like that? Maybe just self pity?

Do you know just how much anger and hurt and sickness I feel towards you, for you? Quite frankly though, you don't deserve very much if anything, i‘m working on getting rid of it all.

Deep breath… this was all for me. You... well you can just fuck off… I don’t care.